Stream-of-Consciousness

I still see your light….music while distracting soothes me. Sometimes it helps me concentrate, other times it sucks me in and I can’t think of anything else. Right now all I can think about ….and my mind goes blank because I’m overthinking things as usual. I drive home and want to stop and take a picture but there is no where to pull over, so I wait til I get home and it’s not the picture I want. The place that I recently went to take pictures is currently on fire, that makes me sad because it was so beautiful. I know it will be beautiful again but it still makes me sad. Obviously I have fire on the brain.

It’s 8 am and I’m tired, I want to go to sleep but know that my mind will not shut down and I will sit and think about stupid things. Shadow just came into the room, in and out, in and out, typical cat. So many things to do and no drive to do it. That frustrates me. And again I lookk around for things to write about and mind goes blank, thought of so many things bouncing around from idea to idea before I started writing but when it comes down to it…nothing. I will close my eyes and just write. then I still start to overthingk it. I wonder what my son will do, when will he get his college stuff done, He’s supposed to come takl to be but we never see each other, he works on my days off I work when he’s home. It’s hit and miss.

2 more weeks until Kaitlyn’s next appointment, I can’t wait to find out what the baby is going to be boy or girl. Thinking all of this current gender nonsense is a bunch of crap. I’m really afraid of the world my grandchild is going to grow up in. It’s hard enough knowing what much children grew up in. So much stupidity, People don’t make sense to me any more. Things used to be so simple, you knew who was who and what was what. Reminds me of the Tim McGraw song Back When. A hoe was a hoe, a screw was a screw… Now a boy isn’t a boy and a girl isn’t a girl and you have to ask a baby to change their diaper because they might not want you to. I mean come on. And don’t get me started on the common core math…..uggg. I’m so glad my children are finally out of school. I don’t have to worry about it until my grandbaby gets older.

And back to thinking about what to write so I’m getting stuck. Heartburn, ugh, why do eggs give me heartburn now. I love scrambled eggs but every time I eat them now they don’t like me back. Getting old is a bitch. Of course my mom would tell me wait 20 years until you are in your sixties and then talk to me about getting old. Love you mom, since I know you will read this.

And stuck again…waiting for the next random thought to roll through that wacked out brain of mine. And still stuck because I keep thinking too hard. What do I want to do with my life. Hmmm. So many things I would like to do. I would like to take more pictures, I certainly want to write more, which is the point of this exercise. I want to become a better writer, I want to start freelancing and be able to afford a living with it, without having to worry about finances. I want to do this for several reasons.

I don’t want to do 911 forever, I never really wanted to go back to it. I love it, and I love helping people, but especially over the last few months, I find it harder and harder. I know those dispatchers who have been doing the job for many years know what I’m talking about. 3 suicides in less than a months time and one of them I took the call. It took a bigger toll on me than I thought it ever would. It took me 11 years to get my first attempted homicide/suicide call and believe me I hope and pray that I never have another one. Honestly, it might not have been so bad if it hand’t been someone I knew personally. Maybe that was the hardest thing. I have a switch, I know how to turn it on and off for ever call while it is happening. But after…it’s a little different. 911 rings and the work f*^k usually comes out oof my mouth.

And my 20 minutes is up,..

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